LETTING OFF THE HAPPINESS
You guys.
I'm happy.
And, it's really taken me like a week to identify that feeling. I don't know what that says entirely, but it's definitely a big deal. I've been waking up refreshed and recharged. Energized to take on the day. I've dedicated the majority of my time to doing things that make me feel better. I've had an ease in conversations with people that have run the gamut in tone and topic. I'm not anxious (all of the time) or focused on the negative. I have worked on managing my support and care for others without it taking away from my own.
I haven't done all of those things all of the time. I haven't tapped into the secret. But, I had to run through all of the things I've done to try to locate the source of this new found lightness. Are probiotics really that powerful? Maybe it's the powders and potions and elixirs I've recently been introduced to? Maybe my medicine is finally at a really solid level? Is it just because I'm not working full-time and don't have external stressors?
The common thread in all of those things I noticed was, they have nothing to do with ME. I was trying to award credit to all of these external things without noting that I've brought them all into my life. That I've been working so hard to put myself together.
The weekly therapy.
The daily exercise.
The eating better.
The self-care routines.
The reading all the books.
The listening to all the podcasts.
The not really drinking.
The "you better chug all this water" thing.
The gratitude lists.
The fact that I saved enough money to keep myself alive without a full-time income for over four months (so far).
The not punishing myself when I fail at all of the above.
I did all of those things because all of the sudden I realized that I have to do the work and I deserve to feel better. That is an achievement and apparently I'm ok with tooting my own horn now.
The first time I went to therapy I spilled out all of the things that I feel about basically everything. When I finally shut up, I winced over at her and asked "so, what do you think? Where do we start? Am I a mess? I'm a mess, right?" And, she told me her biggest concern was how little I value myself. How low my self-worth was. That that was the source of everything and the solution to most things.
The fact that it wasn't a surprise does not feel good. In fact, thinking about that now honestly makes me tear up. I was definitely embarrassed that it was so obvious to her. I was relieved that she saw me. I was encouraged that we were going to work through that together.
There have been alarming discoveries along the way. I've had training wheels on the entire time. I'm presented with circumstances that make me want to default to my normal, but I've internally coached myself to just try to do it differently. It's been uncomfortable. It's been necessary.
The truth just sounds different.
A few days ago at therapy, I had a marathon recap of way more that I ever would've previously been able to handle. I reported the situation, my reaction and the outcome and when I finally finished she said to me "I am so proud of you. You've done the work. You have a voice. You have self-worth." When it was our usual time to schedule the next appointment she said "Do you just want to check in after the New Year? Or just reach out to me as you need?" I had graduated. Tuesdays at 11:30 were now free.
So, this morning when I woke up and checked for vital signs of that good feeling to see if it was still hanging out, I realized that feeling is actually happiness. Not the excited, over the top, confetti happiness, but just the real, feel it in your gut, steady calm kind. I honestly don't know that I've ever felt this way. I don't ever want it to go away, but that part of me that I've hung out with way more is cynical and panicked asking But, how long is it gonna last?? What happens when it leaves?? Just, like, be cool about it and act like it's not there." That's who I am at my core. Always waiting for the bad news, never hearing the good news.
I don't want to be alarmed or to look back at everything that's ever happened to me and question all the other feelings that are so easy for me to categorize. There is something to be said for how difficult it was for me to identify this new one in the collection, but I'm glad I did the work to find it. And, it was work.
I did that.
For myself.
I'm happy.
And, it's really taken me like a week to identify that feeling. I don't know what that says entirely, but it's definitely a big deal. I've been waking up refreshed and recharged. Energized to take on the day. I've dedicated the majority of my time to doing things that make me feel better. I've had an ease in conversations with people that have run the gamut in tone and topic. I'm not anxious (all of the time) or focused on the negative. I have worked on managing my support and care for others without it taking away from my own.
I haven't done all of those things all of the time. I haven't tapped into the secret. But, I had to run through all of the things I've done to try to locate the source of this new found lightness. Are probiotics really that powerful? Maybe it's the powders and potions and elixirs I've recently been introduced to? Maybe my medicine is finally at a really solid level? Is it just because I'm not working full-time and don't have external stressors?
The common thread in all of those things I noticed was, they have nothing to do with ME. I was trying to award credit to all of these external things without noting that I've brought them all into my life. That I've been working so hard to put myself together.
The weekly therapy.
The daily exercise.
The eating better.
The self-care routines.
The reading all the books.
The listening to all the podcasts.
The not really drinking.
The "you better chug all this water" thing.
The gratitude lists.
The fact that I saved enough money to keep myself alive without a full-time income for over four months (so far).
The not punishing myself when I fail at all of the above.
I did all of those things because all of the sudden I realized that I have to do the work and I deserve to feel better. That is an achievement and apparently I'm ok with tooting my own horn now.
The first time I went to therapy I spilled out all of the things that I feel about basically everything. When I finally shut up, I winced over at her and asked "so, what do you think? Where do we start? Am I a mess? I'm a mess, right?" And, she told me her biggest concern was how little I value myself. How low my self-worth was. That that was the source of everything and the solution to most things.
The fact that it wasn't a surprise does not feel good. In fact, thinking about that now honestly makes me tear up. I was definitely embarrassed that it was so obvious to her. I was relieved that she saw me. I was encouraged that we were going to work through that together.
There have been alarming discoveries along the way. I've had training wheels on the entire time. I'm presented with circumstances that make me want to default to my normal, but I've internally coached myself to just try to do it differently. It's been uncomfortable. It's been necessary.
The truth just sounds different.
A few days ago at therapy, I had a marathon recap of way more that I ever would've previously been able to handle. I reported the situation, my reaction and the outcome and when I finally finished she said to me "I am so proud of you. You've done the work. You have a voice. You have self-worth." When it was our usual time to schedule the next appointment she said "Do you just want to check in after the New Year? Or just reach out to me as you need?" I had graduated. Tuesdays at 11:30 were now free.
So, this morning when I woke up and checked for vital signs of that good feeling to see if it was still hanging out, I realized that feeling is actually happiness. Not the excited, over the top, confetti happiness, but just the real, feel it in your gut, steady calm kind. I honestly don't know that I've ever felt this way. I don't ever want it to go away, but that part of me that I've hung out with way more is cynical and panicked asking But, how long is it gonna last?? What happens when it leaves?? Just, like, be cool about it and act like it's not there." That's who I am at my core. Always waiting for the bad news, never hearing the good news.
I don't want to be alarmed or to look back at everything that's ever happened to me and question all the other feelings that are so easy for me to categorize. There is something to be said for how difficult it was for me to identify this new one in the collection, but I'm glad I did the work to find it. And, it was work.
I did that.
For myself.
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