ACTOR OUT OF WORK
I read a lot of memoirs of famous people. I like to listen to them tell their stories on podcasts, too. I think it's partly because I have proof that they're real people and it might give me context to listen to their experience. But, I'm realizing a common thread running between the stories I'm attracted to: truth and authenticity.
Also, I kind of wonder if it's because I've been exposed to a million different versions of them through their work and they're revealing who they actually are (at that moment anyway). Actors without their costumes. Musicians without their songs. Writers without a page in front of them. We all have our things that we wear or put in front of ourselves to disguise us.
My life, as much as I didn't want to admit it, has had a lot of disguises. When I was at work, I was a different person. An introverted person in one of the most extroverted roles. I didn't feel like I could really show emotion on either end of the spectrum because it had too much impact on the environment. People were looking to me to set the tone and to know how to feel about what was going on. Like when you're on a stage and you find your parents or someone you respect in the audience and watch their face to gauge how you're doing up there. I had an audience.
I was talking to my therapist about this dynamic as one of the items on the list of why I had decided to leave my job as well as the dynamics of all sorts of relationships in my life and how difficult it had become to feel authentic. She said, without hesitation, "This all makes sense to me. You were living your life as an actor, wearing masks and giving that all of your energy. It must have been hard to know what to do when you weren't wearing it, so you just continued to adapt to your audience."
Damn. You know that feeling when you finally hear the truth. The heat that shoots through your body. Followed immediately by a chill. Vulnerability and exposure. And, then comfort that now you have the information you need to move forward informed. It seemed so obvious to her and it was clear to me.
This message has shown up in unexpected ways in my life in the weeks following this revelation. Yesterday on my daily walk, I listened to Oprah's Master Class with Jay-Z. (Oprah gets realness from the best sources!) He was talking about the beginning of his career and trying so hard to find his break. For a time, he was making his music using other peoples' formulas and it wasn't working for him. He said:
I didn't see that when I was in it, but I've definitely felt it as part of my identity (my job) was stripped away. I had been distracting myself from the rest of my life with the success I had at work. I was good at my job. I was in control of what was happening there. My life outside of work felt out of control. All of the things on the List of Life were not getting checked off when I made myself feel they were supposed to. It's jarring to me that the only place I felt safe in was in my success at work when I was spending the majority of my time as someone else.
Now that I don't have that bubble to live in, I've really had to look in the mirror and understand that I'm the latter of Jay-Z's conclusions-- the I'm not very happy one. The path to really owning that reality has been difficult, but one that I'm working on constantly now. I'm questioning and challenging everything and working to find new ways to feel in control of my life in a very uncertain time and finding new ways to discover who I am and be true to it.
It's no wonder I've had difficulty forming new relationships and feeling safest in the ones I've maintained the longest. The people who met me 10-15 years ago knew a very authentic version of myself. Then, too, I was riding a wave of success and was very confident in the foundation of my life. The thing I didn't realize until recently is that I stopped reinforcing that foundation. Ignoring the cracks and the creaks as I tiptoed around.
It's no wonder when I invited people into my house, they never really got to see the whole me. If I'm shoving the clutter into the closets, covering the cracks and tiptoeing around who could ever feel comfortable there? I obviously wasn't. I have complete control of that environment too and was still too concerned how other people felt in it, making them as comfortable as possible and showing them what I thought they wanted to see.
I've spent the last month pulling that shit out of closets. Throwing away the rugs. Stomping around to find all the creaks. And looking in every mirror I walk by both in my house and out in the world. Some days I like what I see, some days I don't. But, I'm learning to accept what's being reflected back at me, not looking to the past to define me and focusing on the things that do feel like the truth. My new life coach Jay also said, "Belief in oneself and knowing who you are, I mean, that's the foundation for everything great."
I'm starting there.
Also, I kind of wonder if it's because I've been exposed to a million different versions of them through their work and they're revealing who they actually are (at that moment anyway). Actors without their costumes. Musicians without their songs. Writers without a page in front of them. We all have our things that we wear or put in front of ourselves to disguise us.
My life, as much as I didn't want to admit it, has had a lot of disguises. When I was at work, I was a different person. An introverted person in one of the most extroverted roles. I didn't feel like I could really show emotion on either end of the spectrum because it had too much impact on the environment. People were looking to me to set the tone and to know how to feel about what was going on. Like when you're on a stage and you find your parents or someone you respect in the audience and watch their face to gauge how you're doing up there. I had an audience.
I was talking to my therapist about this dynamic as one of the items on the list of why I had decided to leave my job as well as the dynamics of all sorts of relationships in my life and how difficult it had become to feel authentic. She said, without hesitation, "This all makes sense to me. You were living your life as an actor, wearing masks and giving that all of your energy. It must have been hard to know what to do when you weren't wearing it, so you just continued to adapt to your audience."
Damn. You know that feeling when you finally hear the truth. The heat that shoots through your body. Followed immediately by a chill. Vulnerability and exposure. And, then comfort that now you have the information you need to move forward informed. It seemed so obvious to her and it was clear to me.
This message has shown up in unexpected ways in my life in the weeks following this revelation. Yesterday on my daily walk, I listened to Oprah's Master Class with Jay-Z. (Oprah gets realness from the best sources!) He was talking about the beginning of his career and trying so hard to find his break. For a time, he was making his music using other peoples' formulas and it wasn't working for him. He said:
"If I was going to be successful, I had to be myself. I couldn't be successful doing what other people were doing. I had to do what I believed in and what felt real to me. Because the worst thing to be is successful as someone else. That's a very difficult thing to upkeep and it's very tiring. I feel sorry for someone who has to walk out of the house every day as someone else. To make this art and something people connect to and whatever you've made is not you and you're not happy about it-- it has to be very draining at some point... And when you go home and all the lights are off and everything's off and you have to look in the mirror and you have to say 'man, I like who I am' or 'I'm not very happy with who I am.'"
I didn't see that when I was in it, but I've definitely felt it as part of my identity (my job) was stripped away. I had been distracting myself from the rest of my life with the success I had at work. I was good at my job. I was in control of what was happening there. My life outside of work felt out of control. All of the things on the List of Life were not getting checked off when I made myself feel they were supposed to. It's jarring to me that the only place I felt safe in was in my success at work when I was spending the majority of my time as someone else.
Now that I don't have that bubble to live in, I've really had to look in the mirror and understand that I'm the latter of Jay-Z's conclusions-- the I'm not very happy one. The path to really owning that reality has been difficult, but one that I'm working on constantly now. I'm questioning and challenging everything and working to find new ways to feel in control of my life in a very uncertain time and finding new ways to discover who I am and be true to it.
It's no wonder I've had difficulty forming new relationships and feeling safest in the ones I've maintained the longest. The people who met me 10-15 years ago knew a very authentic version of myself. Then, too, I was riding a wave of success and was very confident in the foundation of my life. The thing I didn't realize until recently is that I stopped reinforcing that foundation. Ignoring the cracks and the creaks as I tiptoed around.
It's no wonder when I invited people into my house, they never really got to see the whole me. If I'm shoving the clutter into the closets, covering the cracks and tiptoeing around who could ever feel comfortable there? I obviously wasn't. I have complete control of that environment too and was still too concerned how other people felt in it, making them as comfortable as possible and showing them what I thought they wanted to see.
I've spent the last month pulling that shit out of closets. Throwing away the rugs. Stomping around to find all the creaks. And looking in every mirror I walk by both in my house and out in the world. Some days I like what I see, some days I don't. But, I'm learning to accept what's being reflected back at me, not looking to the past to define me and focusing on the things that do feel like the truth. My new life coach Jay also said, "Belief in oneself and knowing who you are, I mean, that's the foundation for everything great."
I'm starting there.
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