SOMETIMES IN THE MORNING
I cried in the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru last night.
Hear me out.
It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.
Or can't help it.
I get very sentimental this time of year (OK, always). But, my birthday feels like an actual new year for me. I reflect on what's happened, where I've been and where I want to go. There's a lot to unpack this year.
I'm just going to say it-- 32 was a motherfucker.
Last year on my birthday I was angry and bitter and lonely and depressed and resentful and just not in a good place. The best gift I got was letting down my guard long enough to rant and sob and let some of it out to the unsuspecting soul on the other end of the phone just doing their duty to give me a call on the day I was born. It stirred something in me. I started to wake up a little bit.
I pushed through what would become my last retail Holiday season. It was a struggle and it was successful and it was exhausting. I felt redemption for the previous year that took me way too long to shake off and then spent the next six months convincing myself that everything is fine. But, it just wasn't (as you know by now). Those feelings I felt on my birthday simmered under the surface the entire time and when I wasn't paying attention reached a rolling boil.
But, there was so much good that happened, too. I stood up for myself and took better care of myself and let myself go to lots of different places in lots of different ways and I let go of a lot. A ton. I'm not the same person I was a year ago and that feels fucking amazing.
A couple years ago on my birthday one of my best friends came to visit me for my birthday. I, of course, couldn't take off work completely and I came home in a terrible mood. I didn't know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to wear and I huffed and puffed the whole way through trying on outfits and slouching my way back into the living room as if to say "Is this good enough?" (It wasn't. It so wasn't.) She said to me "I'm going to need you to go back into your room and practice a little gratitude before you come back out." Fully checked, but that would become a joke that has now turned into a daily gratitude practice between her and I. In the last six months on the best and worst days we share the things that we're grateful for every day. From the big things to the small ones. Even on my worst days I have to find (and reach for) the bright spots. I kind of think it's changed my life.
This year on my birthday I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. People have shown up for me in a big way this year. Unexpected and new and old and temporary and recurring ones and I no longer worry about the ones who just didn't have it in them to. I have had no choice but to humble myself and while that has been difficult, I finally learned that showing myself-- the good and the bad and the OK and the hopeful and hopeless and being honest when I didn't have it all together as much as I wanted to is important. I was so scared to before. I won't ask for help and I shouldn't have been so surprised when so many did in so many ways. I was though. I will never forget it (for real, it's documented on a dated list). It has made me feel taken care of for the first time in a long time and relieved and empowered and in such a good place. You've just gotta let it in apparently.
So, when I pulled up to the drive-thru window and the overly polite dude handed me my order and told me that the man in front of me paid for it, I had to pull off before he said "my pleasure" so he couldn't see me cry.
Because people are looking out for me because they want to. And maybe they always have. I know they have. I just had to let them.
In the last few years, I've only hoped the new one is better. This time I know it will be.
And, I'm so grateful for that.
I can't wait to see what makes the list.
Hear me out.
It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.
Or can't help it.
I get very sentimental this time of year (OK, always). But, my birthday feels like an actual new year for me. I reflect on what's happened, where I've been and where I want to go. There's a lot to unpack this year.
I'm just going to say it-- 32 was a motherfucker.
Last year on my birthday I was angry and bitter and lonely and depressed and resentful and just not in a good place. The best gift I got was letting down my guard long enough to rant and sob and let some of it out to the unsuspecting soul on the other end of the phone just doing their duty to give me a call on the day I was born. It stirred something in me. I started to wake up a little bit.
I pushed through what would become my last retail Holiday season. It was a struggle and it was successful and it was exhausting. I felt redemption for the previous year that took me way too long to shake off and then spent the next six months convincing myself that everything is fine. But, it just wasn't (as you know by now). Those feelings I felt on my birthday simmered under the surface the entire time and when I wasn't paying attention reached a rolling boil.
But, there was so much good that happened, too. I stood up for myself and took better care of myself and let myself go to lots of different places in lots of different ways and I let go of a lot. A ton. I'm not the same person I was a year ago and that feels fucking amazing.
A couple years ago on my birthday one of my best friends came to visit me for my birthday. I, of course, couldn't take off work completely and I came home in a terrible mood. I didn't know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to wear and I huffed and puffed the whole way through trying on outfits and slouching my way back into the living room as if to say "Is this good enough?" (It wasn't. It so wasn't.) She said to me "I'm going to need you to go back into your room and practice a little gratitude before you come back out." Fully checked, but that would become a joke that has now turned into a daily gratitude practice between her and I. In the last six months on the best and worst days we share the things that we're grateful for every day. From the big things to the small ones. Even on my worst days I have to find (and reach for) the bright spots. I kind of think it's changed my life.
This year on my birthday I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. People have shown up for me in a big way this year. Unexpected and new and old and temporary and recurring ones and I no longer worry about the ones who just didn't have it in them to. I have had no choice but to humble myself and while that has been difficult, I finally learned that showing myself-- the good and the bad and the OK and the hopeful and hopeless and being honest when I didn't have it all together as much as I wanted to is important. I was so scared to before. I won't ask for help and I shouldn't have been so surprised when so many did in so many ways. I was though. I will never forget it (for real, it's documented on a dated list). It has made me feel taken care of for the first time in a long time and relieved and empowered and in such a good place. You've just gotta let it in apparently.
So, when I pulled up to the drive-thru window and the overly polite dude handed me my order and told me that the man in front of me paid for it, I had to pull off before he said "my pleasure" so he couldn't see me cry.
Because people are looking out for me because they want to. And maybe they always have. I know they have. I just had to let them.
In the last few years, I've only hoped the new one is better. This time I know it will be.
And, I'm so grateful for that.
I can't wait to see what makes the list.
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